How to improve your relationship with your mom?
Mom just got used to the fact that you are always there and still considers you her little child, it's just jealousy.
Although, in my opinion, this is wrong, this is your choice and your mother should respect him, in the end you will live with this young man, not May.
If it is possible to rent a separate apartment, then move away from your mother and try to live on your own, but do not forget about your mother, come to visit and call often.
Mom at the end realizes that she is wrong and everything will work out.
You don't need to quarrel with your mother, but sometimes you need to listen, because you are for her a child whom she loves more than anything else.
You, too, must understand your mother, she does not wish you harm, she just worries about you.
And meet your boyfriend secretly and don't tell your mom about it.
Oh, what a familiar situation! Our mother and my younger sister now do not communicate with us at all, also calling us traitors and fools. For the time being, my husband was completely satisfied, but we had an ideological discord on the basis of our grandchildren. We do not want children yet (or rather, I, my husband does not mind), and my mother cannot understand this, and blames my husband for everything - they say, he is barren, and you justify him and hold on to him. He doesn’t listen to any arguments that I don’t want children yet, and my husband is quite capable.
My sister did even better. Her husband is much older than her and other faith. At first, this did not bother Mom, but as soon as they began a serious relationship, Mom changed dramatically: she began to forbid them to communicate, to pour nasty things on both of them, and then my sister left the house to him, and my mother said that she did not want to know them. I did not attend their wedding and does not communicate with them at all.
Some mothers are very dominant, and they believe that there are two opinions: e and wrong. Today it seems to her one thing, tomorrow - another, and you have to do as your mother said. She knows better, she's a mom! But life is ours, mom must understand this.
We have not yet managed to improve relations. A sister can do without communicating with her parents, and I have been trying to improve relations for a long time. It is useless, all my arguments are peas against the wall. Now I think to let go of the situation, maybe it's better for a long enough time and not communicate at all.
I am very worried about you. I did not have such a situation, I lived with my grandmother and from the 9th grade alone, when my grandmother died.
Mom at this time got married a second time and did not have a new family, a small child.
She had no time for me at all.
Your mother invested only in children. And she perceived you not only as a beloved daughter, but also as a friend. She could hardly discuss all issues with her sons, unlike you.
She perceives the emerging young man, not only as unworthy of you, but also encroaching on your relationship with her.
Only gentle nurturing will help calm her down, to convince you that she is just as important to you, that love for a mother is not comparable to love for a man.
Don't show her what your boyfriend means to you. This will help smooth out the severity of the appearance of a new person in the family.
It's just that your mother begins to understand that soon you will flee from home too. Most likely this is the fear of loneliness, your mother has lived all her life in caring for you and now she understands that she will soon be left alone. This usually goes away when the grandchildren appear, the mother will feel needed again and the relationship will improve. Just now, do not ruin your relationship with your boyfriend because of your mother, then wake up to regret it all your life.
This is ordinary maternal jealousy. It is difficult to deal with this, but it is possible. I had a friend whom my mother ruined her life because of her jealousy of all her boyfriends. In the end, she remained an old maid. Talk to your mom, explain to her that if you get married, you will never forget about her and will take care of her. Remind her that she, too, was once a bride, and if her mother had acted like that, she might not have had three children. Gently, but persistently, explain to her that you like the guy and still marry him. Explain to her that it is better to maintain a normal relationship than to suffer the whole life later that she will not be able to understand her daughter's children. And so it will be. The offense will pass and the realization that the offense has done will come.
I understand that you love your mother and do not want to upset her, but think about your life. It is very difficult to find a person with whom it is easy to go through life. If you think your boyfriend is like that, don't let him go. And mom has already built her life and you shouldn't let her break yours.
Conflicts begin when people, each foaming at the mouth, try to prove their own innocence, engage in mutual accusations and do not want to hear and try to understand each other.
The most common reaction to accusations, criticism and reproaches, whether they are fair or not, is protest and retaliatory accusations, often leading to conflict or its aggravation (by the way, attempts to justify oneself or silently swallow the insult are also not constructive).
Reread your question carefully and try to calmly analyze the situation.
Mom accuses you of treason, and your boyfriend is generally such, such, different ...
You, with a howl, think that mom is jealous, does not want to lose control, builds a wall ...
Try to put yourself in her shoes.
You feel bad because you are in a quarrel - she, most likely, too, you want to be understood and heard - and she probably wants something, something seems offensive to you - something to her, it is difficult for you to cope with emotions - and it is not easy for her ...
Listen to her words. What doesn't she like? How objective are her claims?
Perhaps she really has cause for concern. Perhaps she is afraid that you can repeat her mistakes and is just trying to protect you from them.
In addition, it is difficult for a person in love to be objective, he is prone to idealization. Sometimes you can see better from the outside.
How do we usually behave when we try to open our eyes to the flaws of a loved one?
Does not work (tomorrow, the maximum day after tomorrow will start making good money ...)
He drinks (so not every day - just a couple, three times a week, he doesn't lie under the fences ...)
Irresponsible (nothing, it’s for now, grows wiser, matures)
Redneck (economical, temporary difficulties ...)
Hot-tempered, sometimes even aggressive (but his eyes are beautiful and not boring with him ...)
the list can be anything, and the reaction, as a rule, is the same - rejection and desire to justify.
It doesn't matter which of you is right, whether your mother's doubts and suspicions are true - it is important that your mother's fears for your well-being may have good reasons in her opinion, and the anxiety may not be so unreasonable.
If you want to make peace, stop accusing her of something and come up with convenient explanations for your actions - try to understand.
Offer to talk. Tell them that your quarrels make you feel bad. Let her speak. Don't argue. Agree that you are not right about everything. Confirm that you understand her concerns. Reassure you with a promise not to make big decisions without weighing the pros and cons, but do as you see fit. The main thing is to stay calm, tune in to the positive and everything will be fine with you.
I don’t understand modern women who dream of “flying out of the nest”. What for ? So that later your mother-in-law "flies" back into your nest, but only with a newly born chick? Don't be so naive. Don't be stupid. Better invite your friend to live at your home and do not go to your friend, not live, not even spend the night. Judging by your love, you may well soon become pregnant thoughtlessly. So, when you give birth to a baby, except for your mother, no one really will help you. And even if the mother-in-law helps, then she will correct you with each washed T-shirt of your baby. And the husband will be on the side of mom. In this situation, I would advise you not to flog a fever, but to analyze everything first. And secondly, talk to mom. To begin with, your conflicts with your mom started after you decided to go to sleep with your boyfriend. I would also call my daughter a traitor after that. She's worried about you! You are so much in love and trust the guy so deeply. And the guy sees it. Does he love you as much as you love him? What if not? From the side it is better seen! Maybe the guy will see it and decide to take advantage of it. He will rape you easily, he will call you to rape friends, to rape collectively - it is easier to do this not at the girl's house, but at home or somewhere. Therefore, the mother wants you and your boyfriend to be at your home, under supervision and so as not to constantly think where you are and what is with you. When your boyfriend or husband raises his hand to you, where will you come running? (If you stay alive) To mommy! So you want to live separately and fly out of the nest ... Do not go to your boyfriend's holy mother, there is evil, I already said. There is nothing sweet in living together with the mother-in-law. Will you be able to rent an apartment, or buy your own? No? Then where are you going? When you talk to your mom, do not say at all that you want to quit, live with a guy somewhere with him and his mom-fu! do not tell her that you have grown up, that you want to disconnect, start living separately, fly out of the nest ... Tell her what you love. Say: "Mom, forgive me" sincerely, from the bottom of your heart. From year to year, these words work wonders. Tell her also: "Mom, I love you." And don't argue with her all the time. Don't talk to her about the guy for a couple of days. And then ask: (first the guy, and then the mother) - is it possible for your boyfriend to live with you? If the guy doesn’t agree, offer the guy to rent an apartment, if he doesn’t agree to this either, then he doesn’t love you. And nafig is needed? And when mom begins to explain to you that he is not a couple for you, you just answer her, I understand everything, but I love him. Mom is afraid of losing you, that you will go to live somewhere else. Mom is also afraid that you will feel bad there. And in general, since you have such a mutual love, as you describe it big-big-let him marry you! He does not want to marry - that means he is inappropriate and does not love you. When you sign your mom will be calmer, it means you are serious and have someone to ask. If I were you, I would meet and protect myself, and I would not spend the night with the guy, I would check my feelings with time. Judging by your description of the question, you are very young, young and do not understand a lot in life. You haven't burned yourself yet, you see the world in pink glasses, everything is good and everything is good. Not so much in life really. You have to be careful. It's easy to ruin a relationship, but then try to improve your relationship with your mom? it's very hard. You have only one mother and, except for you, no one really needs you for all your life. You will have many men, husbands, mothers-in-law, but your mother is alone! And he must love, try to understand and be able to negotiate with her! I have a second marriage now and I jokingly say, if, they say, we part, I can't stand one more mother-in-law.) (I had two of them). Every day, come up to mom and hug her!
I do not think that mom considers you an enemy, that she wants to control. Perhaps she learned something about your friend that you do not know and does not want to offend you and does not know how to say it. Perhaps she had a conversation with your friend, from whom she understood that this is "not your person." In this situation, I am on the side of my mother, after all, she has a certain life experience, she intuitively feels that this person will hurt you. Most likely, my mother understands that you will accept "yours." decision and will learn from your mistakes, but wants to avoid it.
If I were you, I would have listened to my mother, took a break, and thought about everything. In the end, something clearly happened, so try to find out what exactly.
Your mom is probably alone herself and you are the only link connecting her with the feeling of being a family man.
Currently, you are drawn with all your being for a new way of life. This is what it is difficult for your mother to comprehend for herself. Your mom is bothered with premonitions that loneliness, boredom, depression, restlessness and uselessness await her.
Develop these feelings of mom with trust, revelation and attention, no matter how busy you are with your love affairs and the arrangement of life and destiny.